Anxiety is something that I have become accustomed to. Ever since I was born I feel that my body has been riddled with anxious thoughts.
From childhood the idea of sleeping over at a friends house would slowing drive me mad. It would start the morning of, the uneasy feeling deep within my stomach, the knotting and turning, like a ferocious wave deep in my gut. Then the nervousness would start, the constant movement, either by tapping a foot or shaking a leg. There would have to be some action, some type of movement to rest my ever running mind. Then the panic would set in, the terrifying thoughts that I would never sleep, the fear that I would have to lay there in the silent night listening to nothing but my mind as I stare at a blank wall.
Kind of scary, I know. This was the thoughts that would run through my mind as a child. Sleep overs were not a time of pleasure for me but sheer panic, most times they would end with a phone call to my mom to come pick me up in the middle of the night, and she would every time.
This is how anxiety has always been for me, I feel nothing and then all at once I feel everything. Its never just a gradual change, but always speedy, a never ending heatwave of fear, barreling into my mind to the point I cant even speak without the quiver that someone may think i’m stupid if I speak.
Ive always been afraid of what others will think of me. This is something that has always stuck with me, the fear of the unknown. Maybe thats why I ask so many questions, why I can never rest until I know everything. When I don’t know something that everyone around me does I go insane, I hate being out of the loop. Maybe its because i’m afraid its always about me and something I had done wrong.
Even to this day as I sit here typing this, I am afraid of ever posting it, showing what I truly think to those around me. It’ll probably stay in drafts until one day when I find it and post on impulse, quickly turning my phone away and desperately trying not to look for minutes that feel like hours.
This is what anxiety does, it eats at you until you cant control it any longer. I don’t want to have to be scared of what I feel or afraid of what others will say. I don’t want to be that scared girl sitting around by herself because she’s too afraid to speak out. I have been expressing myself through writing for a while now, always about some topic or trend but never truly about myself or what I see and here for the first time is it.